Paul A. Romsky Jr. - Fun Size

September 2017: My wife and I went to the supermarket today. I have a routine where I grab a serving number ticket at the deli counter and then try to get people to trade with me. You should see the looks on people's faces when I give them lines like (in a dead pan expression), "Let's swap tickets, mine is higher, so it must be better." Or, "Do you mind if I cut ahead of you, I am in a terrible rush to pick up my Lamborghini from the detail shop and the ash trays in my Rolls Royce are nearly full." Today, a lady that was next in line (about 5 numbers ahead of me) actually said I could have her place if I really was in a hurry. She was not calling my bluff or was going along with my gag, she was totally sincere. I was so impressed, all I could do is praise her and tell everyone to feel the good karma this lady exudes! In retospec, I should have paid for her deli meats.

One of my other common antics is to grab one of the oversize cereral boxes the market has on display above the dairy cases. I place it in my cart and parade around the store with great pride - telling children that I am an adult and can even have candy for breakfast if I want, but I prefer Frosted Flakes. The teenagers go along with the joke and we all have a lot of fun. Today I asked one of the market's associates if I could purchase the box. She too was serious and insisted that she get the store manager for me to see if that was possible. I told her that I was only goofing around but she insisted. Apparently, the managers and staff were aware of my running jokes for some time and I was a bit of a celeberty. They never stopped me because it was a fun break in their day and it made the customers smile. One time, I went through the check out with the box only to see the reactions I would get from the cashiers. I always put the box back where I found it when I was done. So I asked the store manager I would like this keep this box and to name his price. He refused to take any money and I felt guilty to accept it for nothing. We agreed that I pay it forward so I put $20 in the cat food donation bin.

Now, this Frosted Flakes box adorns my Man Cave. The box is empty, but in the photo I made it look very heavy.

By the way... Did you ever get those tiny pieces of candy at Holloween that said: "Fun Size"? What's the fun with those? Now THIS is what I call Fun Sized!

Fun Size Box of Frosted Flakes - in the convenient single serving size.

Other fun things I do in a super market (do not try these):

1. Have You Tried This? This is great with old ladies. I grab any weird item off the shelf and ask if they tried it. When they say, "No.", then I say, "Well, you should!", place the item in their cart and walk away. Then later when I see the same person, I do it again. Usually by the third time they say, "Yes, I have." At that point I say, "Great! Then you know what I am talking about!", place the item in their cart and walk away.

2. Biker Bomb. When a biker or some other bad arse dude is not looking, I put feminine hygiene products or other embarssing items in their cart. Making sure I quickly hide them under other items in the cart. Then I wait for the guy to get to the check out, stand way back, and watch the expressions on his face as he pulls out the items.

3. Belt Buffer. When I get to the check out, I place two order seperation bars (whatever they are called) on the belt giving me a very wide empty area between my items and the person behind me in line. I explain to them (in a very normal voice) that their products must NOT touch mine else my items will be contaminated. As the belt moves, I keep sliding the far bar (closest to the person) towards them so my "Buffer Zone" gets wider and they can't place any items on the belt. Cool people will say, "Ooops! My items touched yours!" Then I can come back with some playful banter before I break character. A great way to meet ladies.

4. Anal Retentive Check Out. As I place my items on the belt at the check out, I meticulously sort and align the items so the barcodes are in perfect position for the clerk. I take my time and try to really be precise. If I have a ruler, that helps sell the idea that I am nuts and nobody will bother me. I explain that this makes the checkout faster when clearly it does not. The trick here is to not really hold up the line, but to give the illusion it will. Then I can start moving items out of position just before they reach the register. This gag works in conjunction with number 3 above.

5. Brat Barrage. When a child is behaving poorly and crying or just being a brat, I grab items right in front of them that their parent has already denied them. I don't do this with young children around, only with those kids that should know better. I make sure I say out loud to myself how much I LOVE those items. Then, I make brief eye contact with the kid and say, "I am a well behaved grown up, and I can have ANYTHING I want." as I walk away. I try to see how many times I can pull this off before the parent gets wise. My goal is to get the kid to stop acting bad and to just start wimpering in defeat.

6. Otter from Animal House. I walk up to women in the produce area and say things just like the character Otter did in the film. For example: "Vegetables can be really sensuous, don't you think?" I lay it on thick but I don't cross the line and sexually harass anyone. Another one is that I hold up two melons to my chest and ask someone what they think about these melons. Stuff like that. See the youtube video: Animal House, My cucumber. It's bigger.

7. Shoplifting Policy. I ask an associate what is their policy on shoplifting. Most will know I am joking and I get all sorts of whitty responses. Then I yell to my wife across the store, even if she is not there, "Hon! Take that stuff out of your handbag, they don't allow shoplifting here!".

8. Hon, Do You Need... Stand next to someone's cart and yell out items you see in it to your wife and ask if we need them. Then when she says yes to something, try to remove it from the cart and see how far you can walk away.

9. Yoink! Just before someone is about to grab the last item from a shelf, you reach in a grab it first, saying, "Yoink!" as you do so. This is great with old ladies because they will put up a fight.

10. Mr Helper. Hang around the demo stand and help sell the items to the customers. Act like a shill and really do the hard sell. Say things like "How many can I put you down for?" and place the items in their cart even if they don't want them.